Nitzan, who was my closest friend ever, in fact... we have always considered ourselves as soul mates, Is dead.|
Nitzan shot himself on the head, on May 15th 1998, and he died at 5AM, May 16th.
How do I feel? well, I feel as if someone took away a part of my body, Nitzan was a major part of my world, in fact, looking backwards,
Nitzan was my whole world. I am writing these words while I am crying, I still can't believe he's gone.
We have had so many things together, since the 4th grade, through high school, we left school together, we had an AMAZING band, -
Nitzan was one of the most amazing drummers I have ever heard, (trust me, I have heard the best of em'...)
We used to sneak school together, we told everything to each-other, we had the same musical taste (ok... almost...).
I feel bad, torn inside, rotten inside, dead inside. Nothing can bring back Nitzan,
Nitzush. I miss you mate, miss you so much! :~(
March 10th 1999 addendum:
Almost a year have passed, it's hard to imagine how I feel now... I feel as if in that horrible day, my whole
life wiped out. I feel as if I was born 10 months ago, to a black, horrible world. My life became divided to
"before Nitzan's death" and "after Nitzan's death". I keep noticing the fact that almost every time I bring up
distant memories my mind is whispering to itself "Hey, Nitzan was still alive on that day".
That day became some kind of a buffer in my life.
There is no one single day that Nitzan is not on my mind.
Almost a year have passed since Omer, my young brother knocked on my door and in a crashed voice he said
"Gil, Nitzan is dead". I didn't know what to do at that moment, I was so confused. I mean...
Nitzan's presence was so obvious to me. And that's why the mental damage I've suffered (still am... I
got this "short fuse" I am trying to get rid of now...(maybe it's the time to tell anyone that I am sorry...))
is so big.
I became a very closed man. since I am afraid to crack under the smallest hit. My relationships with women
are suffering as well, I can't seem to establish a long relationship with anyone since at one moment or another
I am "pulling back" for some reason.
I have lost my trust in people. It looks as if I am living a worthless life. I have lost any
will to live. I am not taking my own life only because I saw what Nitzan's death did to it's parents,
friends, and close family. It ruined them. I don't want to do that.
A good friend of mine said today when we talked about Nitzan "You know Gil, the ones who died are not miserable, it's
the ones the leave behind that are miserable".
Many people may think that I feel ok, since I do not show my real feelings. I look happy and normal,
but the truth is that I am a zombie, my body is living without my soul. I am just trying to cover it up
by not showing it...
Yesterday I had my first serious gig as a drummer. I used Nitzan's cymbals and snare. playing on Nitzan's drums
hurts, but that's the only way I can feel close to him, doing what Nitzan liked most - playing drums.
I feel as if his soul is flying above me and guiding me on the drums. I know it sounds strange, but that's how I feel,
- Like it or not...
March 19th addendum:
Forever, what a strong word, when you come to think about it - that someone you really care about,
someone you can't imagine your life without him will be gone - forever. Devastating, that's the word, I can't really start
expressing my feelings on paper (or web for this matter...).
Jan 29th 2000 addendum:
A begining of a new millennium, a verge of a new era, a new era which Nitzan is not sharing with me.
A long time have passed since Nitzan left us, almost two years, two years in which I had changed alot...
Check out what a stud Nitzan was.